December 22 2015

For my graduation present my parents gave me a beautiful journal with an incredibly kind letter on the first pages. They know I've been writing poems and songs since before I even really knew how to spell, so they figured a journal would be a fitting gift. They were more than right. 

This journal got a lot of use over the summer while I was at camp. I was dealing with a slew of different emotionally tolling situations and my journal was the perfect place to deal internally while needing to be essentially a parent or cool older sister to a bunch of 12 year old girls. 

I haven't really written much in it since college started. I wrote one poem before hiding it in a drawer alongside the rest of my feelings. Today I looked through my journal for the first time in a while, and I figured I would share the last poem I wrote in there. Why not.. right? 

September 17, 2015

"I'm trained in trickery, well versed in lies-

with an ability to hide in a daily disguise.

Painted on smiles and hollowed hellos-

I wait for freedom from my buried woes.

I'm small, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm sinking-

Everyone watching but hardly blinking.

I'm crying, I'm screaming, I'm begging for help-

But apparently I'm left to save myself.

Grow up, adjust, move on, let go-

All things I'm already supposed to know. 

So day to day I dry my tears-

Don my disguise and face my fears."

I'm in a much better place now than I was when I wrote that. But I still feel as if I have to put on this front of being okay all the time. That being scared and not knowing what to do is something reserved for freshman in high school and not in college. I think that I wanted to post this so that I could openly admit that sometimes I still feel like I have to be someone for everyone. I have to be what people expect or what I think that they want... But in reality I don't really know what anyone wants or even what I want? I do hope that by openly admitting that I feel like this and that I rely on my theatrical inclinations to hide in plain sight, I will have a sort of motivated self obligation to stop doing so. 

Or maybe I just wanted someone to notice. 

December 13 2015

Today I received one of my infamous 3 hour lectures from my dad. 

My dad and I have a very interesting relationship- we always have. He's the best friend you always want on your side and the enemy you never want to be piss off. But the reason our relationship is interesting is because we're so similar we don't know how to get around each other. 

We both hate being wrong and are extremely sensitive- so arguments, you can imagine, go really well.

Tonight's lecture was about the walls I've put up and how my dad finds my recent behavior towards him to be "highly disrespectful, and completely unacceptable". He's angry that I get easily overwhelmed, don't let him in, and that when he asks me simple questions my guard goes up.

I'm not disagreeing with him, because he's not wrong. 

The thing that hurt me the most tonight is this accusation: 

"You've thrown glass shards around you so that anyone who even tries to get close to you gets hurt before they even get to you."

Another thing I'm not disagreeing with, because he's not wrong. 

I guess my point of writing about this is that I know that it happens, but it's not a purposeful thing. If we're sticking to the "glass shards" analogy, the glass shards are literally me. At the beginning of the semester when everything fell apart and I finally broke down... That's when the glass shards appeared. 

So. For anyone who reads this and has gotten hurt by my shards of glass around me... I'm so sorry. I've been slowly picking them, and myself, back up. 

For anyone who reads this and doesn't know me well- please don't let this post keep you from trying to get to know me. I promise that I'm more than broken. Just give me a chance to pick up my pieces.